Raw Honesty

For some reason, I generally don't want this blog to be a place where I post sad or depressing things. I never want to bring people down. So, occasionally, when things are going difficult for me, I tend to not post. I tend to just work through things until I get to a place where things are better or happier, a place where I can post about more positive things. But the truth is that I am being unfair to my readers. Everyday is not sunshiny and wonderful here. I have my moments too, moments of depression, of doubt, of fear, of insecurity. I try to hide those from other people so that I don't become so open and raw that everyone knows everything about me. But today, I will share a little bit of my heart.

This past Saturday, I was scheduled to run a half marathon. It was the same race that I tore my labrum in my left hip in last year. Prior to this race, I had taken a small hiatus from strength training but had full intentions of continuing my mileage so I would be ready for the race. However, my intentions were not lived out due to a huge amount of stress in my life. I had no idea how much stress and depression would enter my life when my best friends both moved away last month. I have depended on them so much for emotional support in the past and not having them there was unbelievably difficult. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to workout. I didn't want to do much of anything. I found myself going through the motions of life. Honestly, with the little bit that I was nourishing my body, I don't even think I could have sustained any type of workout or cardio. So, it was probably for the best that I just didn't feel it. I think the hardest thing about my friends' moving was that I don't get to talk to either of them as much as I would like. Bottom line was that I was just really unhappy and felt very much alone.

So, fast forward to Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning with a horrible stomach ache. I assumed what I was experiencing was just nerves and figured that after I ate things would ease up. I got myself ready and headed out for the race. My stomach was still bothering me when the race started. Then, I made a rookie mistake and started out running way too fast. I was not running my pace but a much faster pace for the first mile. When I realized this, I slowed down but it was too late. I had already put some extra stress on my hip by pushing too hard that first mile. With every mile, my stomach bothered me more and more. And then, my hip began to ache so badly. I kept thinking most of running and racing is mental, so if I can just get my head right then I will be okay. But I could not get my mind off the pain at all. I kept trying to push through. I was struggling so badly at one point that I just started to cry. And fear set in as well. I remembered having pain in my hip last year during the race. I was scared to keep going.

When I reached mile 6, I knew without a doubt that I was not going to finish this race. I knew that to continue on was insanity and would end up causing me to put myself at risk for injury. I knew all those things and my mind had to convince my heart that it was okay to give up. I hate to quit things. Once I start things, I am a finisher. So, this was very difficult for me to walk off of the course knowing that I would not have a glorious finish. I would not be adding another medal to my collection. And it burned me up knowing that I was going to have to add a DNF (did not finish) to my record. But, I also knew that I wanted to be able to do other races in the future. I wanted to be healthy and wanted to finish future races without injury. So, had I continued on in this race, I would risk putting myself out for the rest of the year with an injury or some serious illness since my stomach was still aching.

Sometimes we have to know when to quit. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. However, in life, there are times when we have to weigh our options and know that a DNF today will allow me future amazing finishes. I won't lie this was probably one of the most emotional decisions I have made in some time. But I know I made the right decision. I walked off the course and called my friend Cathy to come rescue me. I knew she would understand as only another athlete could. And I needed the comfort of someone who wouldn't ask too many questions but would let me experience the raw pain of not finishing. I also called my friend, Ann, and talked to her for quite awhile. She is a dear friend and I knew she would understand how much my heart was hurting over this, since I had leaned on her quite a bit in the past few weeks. I found comfort from both Cathy and Ann and I am so thankful for them both.

Even though I walked off the course, I gained some wisdom from this race. I learned that I have to listen to my body better. I learned that I have to keep training even when my heart just isn't in it if I have a race scheduled. I think I could have overcome the stomach pains if my hip hadn't begun to hurt but with both areas having pain, it was not an option.

I will admit that Saturday, I was quite embarrassed about having to walk off the course. But today, I realize that there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about. I started the race knowing that I was not physically quite up to the challenge. It takes a lot to get to the starting line especially when you are sick. So, I am not disappointed in myself. I am re-motivated to get back to my training and back to the drawing board.

I hit the gym yesterday and trained myself with my back and biceps routine and did some cardio. It was really hard to have to scale back the weights from what I was doing 3 weeks ago but I knew that I had lost some muscle due to poor nutrition and no exercise. So, though I am not starting over, I am starting fresh. My arms and back are sore today...so I must've done something right.

And I am so thankful for my friends. Though I miss my best friends dearly, I am blessed to have dear friends who will step in and help me in whatever way they can. What a blessing to know you have people you can depend on. I cannot wait to talk to my best friends or spend time with them again, but in the mean time I have dear friends who can help me through the rough spots.

So, there you have it. A peek into some very raw emotions and circumstances in my life. It's not pretty, but it's honest.

Digging Deeper...

Today is the last day of my break. Tomorrow, I jump back into a regular routine. It has been good to have a break from normalcy for a bit. But it is going to be really hard to try and get a normal routine going again! But it is a necessity.

I have set myself some goals for the next few months. And in order to achieve those goals, I have to kick my butt in gear. I have to work really hard to get to those goals. Part of the reason I set those goals was to force myself to work harder and dig deeper. It will be very interesting over the next few months to see how things progress. Since my hip surgery I have been a bit more timid about pushing myself. But I feel good and I feel like my hip is ready for a little more challenge now. Today I sat down and wrote out what I want to see as my workout plan each week. I planned out what body parts would be worked during strength training, what type of cardio and how much and when I would do yoga during the week. I am excited about trying this out and seeing results!!

Also, I recently ordered some books on clean eating. I eat fairly clean for the most part, so I am more excited to look into the specifics of this. But even more so, I am excited to try out some new recipes in the cookbooks I got. I think I am going to have a lot of fun trying out new recipes and seeing how this works in to my current plan! I think I am going to see some great results by trying this!

I am really excited to see how the changes that I am making are going to impact my current plan. Lately life has been so emotional for me. Two of my closest friends move away this month...one to basic training and one to Asheville, NC. It will be weird not having them close enough to reach out to, but I am excited for their opportunities. And then in a few weeks, my hubby, Jason, will begin traveling again for 15 months. He will be gone every week Sunday through Thursday. It's going to be hard but it means that I will be able to really focus on my goals without my cheerleaders. It means I will have to dig deeper to do this on my own for awhile. And I am really thankful that I will still have friends here to help me stay on track!

And with all this going on, I am planning on getting away myself for a bit. I want to get some quality time up in Virginia with my family soon. It has been way too long since I have had a long visit with them. And I am also planning on trying to get up to visit my friend Laura and her family. It has been awhile since they came here to visit and I would love to get a chance to head up there and visit with them for awhile.

So life is getting crazier and busier but I am hoping that I can get back to a regular schedule again. My break was good. It gave me some good quality time to spend with friends and family. But tomorrow, it is back to work again!

In A Funk!?!?!?!?!

If you are a Facebook friend, you may have noticed that I have been in quite a funk lately. In fact, I noticed this week, that several of my friends have been feeling quite similarly. Maybe it's the end of summer. Maybe it's how overly busy we all are. Who knows. Whatever it is, there's a lot of people out there who are just not feeling quite like themselves!

What does that mean for me? It means nothing feels quite right. I am not sleeping well. I am easily irritated (should be read as everything around me ticks me off!) My workouts don't excite me and usually are not up to my usual standard. My runs are trash...mileage but only because I have to. Generally, I am a whining and complaining mess. It sucks. And it sucks to be around me during these times too! Sorry dear friends, I love you, but I know I am a pain to be around when I am like this!

So, how did I get this way??? Well, you see, I did it to myself. I apparently am way too much of a people pleaser and have a very hard time saying No. Simple word, but so very hard for me to say. And what happened...I got way too overwhelmed and way too stressed out and pretty angry and felt slightly abused! Not good feelings I assure you!

A lot of it stems from my frustrations about my hip, work, weight loss, not getting pregnant, missing my family, etc. etc. The biggest stressor has been work though. I have not had much time off lately because I do not have a reliable backup to process while I am out. I have been trying for several months to get this one person completely trained but I can never finish his training. He is always pulled away when I am trying to finish things up. I have taken a couple days off in the past couple of months due to a visit with a friend and due to a death in my family and each time management was supposed to process and take care of my job. Each time, the whole process was all screwed up and a huge headache for me!! Ugh!!! I just want to be able to take a day or two (or a week) off of work and be able to come back and not worry about the disaster that I will have to deal with. I don't feel like that is too much to ask for!!! Oh well! I am trying really hard to get my backup completely trained in the next couple of weeks because I am definitely taking some time off and soon!

My hip is doing better. But I know that I am actually scared about reinjuring which causes me a lot of concern. I hate that I can train or run like I want to for fear of reinjury! I find myself being more timid in my workouts and my runs because I don't want to hurt. It sucks! So, in order to challenge myself further, I apparently agreed to run a 10k and 5k in September. I am already scheduled for a half in October and am seriously considering a half in December too. I guess that would mean, I need to get over my fear and just run. Luckily, I have some good friends who also run who have agreed to help me. Cathy and I get together every Saturday morning for hiking, jogging or running. We are trying to incorporate more running into our routine now and so far, it's pretty good. Also, my friend, Chuck, runs and he has agreed to try and help me out more. He told me that I need to start just running as far as I can for now (without pain) and try to keep increasing it. I like this plan. So, Monday, I jogged for about 1.5 miles. It wasn't too terribly fast but it wasn't bad either especially since it was after leg day with Tye! Tuesday, I had a bad run because my legs were still sore from Monday. Wednesday was elliptical day for me. I am hoping that if I feel up to it, I might get a good run in today...we'll see!! I am excited about the upcoming races but feeling slightly intimidated too. So, this shall be interesting. I will keep you posted.

And my sleep schedule has been so off this summer. I sleep but I don't think I get quality sleep a lot of the time. This week, I have slept in our guest room because I am tossing and turning a lot and don't want to keep Jason awake. I feel like I may have gotten a little bit better sleep most of the week. However, for some reason, last night, I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. and was wide awake by 2:30 p.m. I gave up on sleep at 3:30 p.m. and can only pray that coffee will sustain me today because it's another full day!!! I will likely sleep pretty well tonight though!!

I have had quite a few meltdowns on friends this week and last week. I hate that too. I try really hard to keep it all together because that's generally what everyone needs from me. But lately, I feel like I am falling apart. And I have fallen apart in front of a few good friends and I am thankful for them. I think being able to be real and cry through some frustrations is helping me to feel better and to work myself out of this funk. It's hard to pretend everyday that life is grand and wonderful. I hate when people tell me that you should just fake it and eventually it will be. Sometimes you have to be dead honest about your feelings...positive or negative. Sometimes you have to be 100% real. And lately, I have been holding back a bit too much. Don't get me wrong, I am still reserving a good bit of things (that's just me!) However, I am releasing some unnecessary frustrations too!

And this week, my lesson is to learn how to say NO. LOL!! Tye was preaching at me today about learning that. I am a people person and I like to help others. However, I have to remember that occasionally I need to think of myself first. So, if I have to say no to protect myself then NO is the answer. That's going to prove difficult, but also be necessary. From now on, I am going to be in charge of my own schedule again instead of letting others dictate my time. And I am going to make sure that other realize my time is valuable too. Yeah, that's right, I am going to take up for me!

Okay, now I feel like I am rambling. Don't get me wrong, I have had a great summer. It's been crazy busy, but some downtime is in order. A return to my normal schedule is necessary! A return to my positive and happy demeanor is a must!! Next time, you read from me, I hope to be completely out of this funk :)