This past Saturday, I was scheduled to run a half marathon. It was the same race that I tore my labrum in my left hip in last year. Prior to this race, I had taken a small hiatus from strength training but had full intentions of continuing my mileage so I would be ready for the race. However, my intentions were not lived out due to a huge amount of stress in my life. I had no idea how much stress and depression would enter my life when my best friends both moved away last month. I have depended on them so much for emotional support in the past and not having them there was unbelievably difficult. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to workout. I didn't want to do much of anything. I found myself going through the motions of life. Honestly, with the little bit that I was nourishing my body, I don't even think I could have sustained any type of workout or cardio. So, it was probably for the best that I just didn't feel it. I think the hardest thing about my friends' moving was that I don't get to talk to either of them as much as I would like. Bottom line was that I was just really unhappy and felt very much alone.
So, fast forward to Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning with a horrible stomach ache. I assumed what I was experiencing was just nerves and figured that after I ate things would ease up. I got myself ready and headed out for the race. My stomach was still bothering me when the race started. Then, I made a rookie mistake and started out running way too fast. I was not running my pace but a much faster pace for the first mile. When I realized this, I slowed down but it was too late. I had already put some extra stress on my hip by pushing too hard that first mile. With every mile, my stomach bothered me more and more. And then, my hip began to ache so badly. I kept thinking most of running and racing is mental, so if I can just get my head right then I will be okay. But I could not get my mind off the pain at all. I kept trying to push through. I was struggling so badly at one point that I just started to cry. And fear set in as well. I remembered having pain in my hip last year during the race. I was scared to keep going.
When I reached mile 6, I knew without a doubt that I was not going to finish this race. I knew that to continue on was insanity and would end up causing me to put myself at risk for injury. I knew all those things and my mind had to convince my heart that it was okay to give up. I hate to quit things. Once I start things, I am a finisher. So, this was very difficult for me to walk off of the course knowing that I would not have a glorious finish. I would not be adding another medal to my collection. And it burned me up knowing that I was going to have to add a DNF (did not finish) to my record. But, I also knew that I wanted to be able to do other races in the future. I wanted to be healthy and wanted to finish future races without injury. So, had I continued on in this race, I would risk putting myself out for the rest of the year with an injury or some serious illness since my stomach was still aching.
Sometimes we have to know when to quit. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. However, in life, there are times when we have to weigh our options and know that a DNF today will allow me future amazing finishes. I won't lie this was probably one of the most emotional decisions I have made in some time. But I know I made the right decision. I walked off the course and called my friend Cathy to come rescue me. I knew she would understand as only another athlete could. And I needed the comfort of someone who wouldn't ask too many questions but would let me experience the raw pain of not finishing. I also called my friend, Ann, and talked to her for quite awhile. She is a dear friend and I knew she would understand how much my heart was hurting over this, since I had leaned on her quite a bit in the past few weeks. I found comfort from both Cathy and Ann and I am so thankful for them both.
Even though I walked off the course, I gained some wisdom from this race. I learned that I have to listen to my body better. I learned that I have to keep training even when my heart just isn't in it if I have a race scheduled. I think I could have overcome the stomach pains if my hip hadn't begun to hurt but with both areas having pain, it was not an option.
I will admit that Saturday, I was quite embarrassed about having to walk off the course. But today, I realize that there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about. I started the race knowing that I was not physically quite up to the challenge. It takes a lot to get to the starting line especially when you are sick. So, I am not disappointed in myself. I am re-motivated to get back to my training and back to the drawing board.
I hit the gym yesterday and trained myself with my back and biceps routine and did some cardio. It was really hard to have to scale back the weights from what I was doing 3 weeks ago but I knew that I had lost some muscle due to poor nutrition and no exercise. So, though I am not starting over, I am starting fresh. My arms and back are sore today...so I must've done something right.
And I am so thankful for my friends. Though I miss my best friends dearly, I am blessed to have dear friends who will step in and help me in whatever way they can. What a blessing to know you have people you can depend on. I cannot wait to talk to my best friends or spend time with them again, but in the mean time I have dear friends who can help me through the rough spots.
So, there you have it. A peek into some very raw emotions and circumstances in my life. It's not pretty, but it's honest.
