Raw Honesty

For some reason, I generally don't want this blog to be a place where I post sad or depressing things. I never want to bring people down. So, occasionally, when things are going difficult for me, I tend to not post. I tend to just work through things until I get to a place where things are better or happier, a place where I can post about more positive things. But the truth is that I am being unfair to my readers. Everyday is not sunshiny and wonderful here. I have my moments too, moments of depression, of doubt, of fear, of insecurity. I try to hide those from other people so that I don't become so open and raw that everyone knows everything about me. But today, I will share a little bit of my heart.

This past Saturday, I was scheduled to run a half marathon. It was the same race that I tore my labrum in my left hip in last year. Prior to this race, I had taken a small hiatus from strength training but had full intentions of continuing my mileage so I would be ready for the race. However, my intentions were not lived out due to a huge amount of stress in my life. I had no idea how much stress and depression would enter my life when my best friends both moved away last month. I have depended on them so much for emotional support in the past and not having them there was unbelievably difficult. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to workout. I didn't want to do much of anything. I found myself going through the motions of life. Honestly, with the little bit that I was nourishing my body, I don't even think I could have sustained any type of workout or cardio. So, it was probably for the best that I just didn't feel it. I think the hardest thing about my friends' moving was that I don't get to talk to either of them as much as I would like. Bottom line was that I was just really unhappy and felt very much alone.

So, fast forward to Saturday. I woke up Saturday morning with a horrible stomach ache. I assumed what I was experiencing was just nerves and figured that after I ate things would ease up. I got myself ready and headed out for the race. My stomach was still bothering me when the race started. Then, I made a rookie mistake and started out running way too fast. I was not running my pace but a much faster pace for the first mile. When I realized this, I slowed down but it was too late. I had already put some extra stress on my hip by pushing too hard that first mile. With every mile, my stomach bothered me more and more. And then, my hip began to ache so badly. I kept thinking most of running and racing is mental, so if I can just get my head right then I will be okay. But I could not get my mind off the pain at all. I kept trying to push through. I was struggling so badly at one point that I just started to cry. And fear set in as well. I remembered having pain in my hip last year during the race. I was scared to keep going.

When I reached mile 6, I knew without a doubt that I was not going to finish this race. I knew that to continue on was insanity and would end up causing me to put myself at risk for injury. I knew all those things and my mind had to convince my heart that it was okay to give up. I hate to quit things. Once I start things, I am a finisher. So, this was very difficult for me to walk off of the course knowing that I would not have a glorious finish. I would not be adding another medal to my collection. And it burned me up knowing that I was going to have to add a DNF (did not finish) to my record. But, I also knew that I wanted to be able to do other races in the future. I wanted to be healthy and wanted to finish future races without injury. So, had I continued on in this race, I would risk putting myself out for the rest of the year with an injury or some serious illness since my stomach was still aching.

Sometimes we have to know when to quit. I am a fighter and I hate to give up. However, in life, there are times when we have to weigh our options and know that a DNF today will allow me future amazing finishes. I won't lie this was probably one of the most emotional decisions I have made in some time. But I know I made the right decision. I walked off the course and called my friend Cathy to come rescue me. I knew she would understand as only another athlete could. And I needed the comfort of someone who wouldn't ask too many questions but would let me experience the raw pain of not finishing. I also called my friend, Ann, and talked to her for quite awhile. She is a dear friend and I knew she would understand how much my heart was hurting over this, since I had leaned on her quite a bit in the past few weeks. I found comfort from both Cathy and Ann and I am so thankful for them both.

Even though I walked off the course, I gained some wisdom from this race. I learned that I have to listen to my body better. I learned that I have to keep training even when my heart just isn't in it if I have a race scheduled. I think I could have overcome the stomach pains if my hip hadn't begun to hurt but with both areas having pain, it was not an option.

I will admit that Saturday, I was quite embarrassed about having to walk off the course. But today, I realize that there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about. I started the race knowing that I was not physically quite up to the challenge. It takes a lot to get to the starting line especially when you are sick. So, I am not disappointed in myself. I am re-motivated to get back to my training and back to the drawing board.

I hit the gym yesterday and trained myself with my back and biceps routine and did some cardio. It was really hard to have to scale back the weights from what I was doing 3 weeks ago but I knew that I had lost some muscle due to poor nutrition and no exercise. So, though I am not starting over, I am starting fresh. My arms and back are sore today...so I must've done something right.

And I am so thankful for my friends. Though I miss my best friends dearly, I am blessed to have dear friends who will step in and help me in whatever way they can. What a blessing to know you have people you can depend on. I cannot wait to talk to my best friends or spend time with them again, but in the mean time I have dear friends who can help me through the rough spots.

So, there you have it. A peek into some very raw emotions and circumstances in my life. It's not pretty, but it's honest.

Taking A Break

So, I have been taking a small break from strength training since I overdid it a bit last week. After having lunch with Tripp, he agreed that if I stuck with my cardio routine and running schedules, then I could take a break from strength training for awhile. I find it incredibly difficult to change things up but right now, this is completely necessary. I have a lot of stress in my life right now. Some days, it is a bit overwhelming.

Life has just been crazy. Two of my best friends are moving away from here at the end of this month. I will miss them both terribly. And though I can go visit and check in with them, it's not the same as having them local. Also, I have been missing my Mom, Kathryn and the kids a lot. I have not been able to go visit them as often as I would've liked lately. I love spending time with them. I got to see them briefly last week for a quick visit. It was great to see them but it made me miss them even more. I am hoping to find some time in March to go visit. Also, work has been insane. I was helping out with freight and it has been much more stressful than I thought. So, I decided to take a couple of weeks off.

Next week, I will return to my strength training and back to work. With my next half marathon coming up soon, I definitely need to get back to a regular routine. I have set up some more goals for myself and all of those require me to have a regular routine to follow.

Anyways, I am glad to have had some time to rest and time to get my head on straight. I know that every once in awhile it is good to take a break from routine and recover. This also gives me some time to decide how to plan out my new routine and how to maximize it's benefits.

Charleston Half-Marathon Race Report

First half-marathon of the year...done...finished...history. Personally, I am hoping that the next 5 go a lot smoother than this. I have never in my entire running career been this frustrated before, during and after a half-marathon. It was certainly not one that I could write about how I did 13.1 and was still smiling.

So, the race I ran this past weekend was the 2nd Riverfront Race Festival's Charleston Half-Marathon. I figured since Charleston hosts the Cooper River Bridge Run and it goes fairly well, they would do well with this one. They definitely have some room for improvement, but that's a growing pain issue so hopefully they will listen to the runners and make some changes. Here's how my weekend panned out...

Friday, Chuck and I did a great stretching session with my trainer, Tripp before heading back to the house, showering, grabbing a quick lunch and heading to Charleston. Tripp gave me a thumbdrive with the MP3s that he spent about 2 hours recording for me to go on my iPod. I was so very stoked about them and couldn't wait to listen to them. My plan was to download them on to the playlist and then strategically place a message every several minutes (depending upon how many there were). When I went to put them on the computer, I discovered the first disappointment of the weekend...they were not on the thumbdrive. Tripp was really upset. However, as I told him, he told me the one thing I needed to hear from him on Thursday when we were training. He told me that even if I had to walk the whole race and did my absolute best, that he would still be proud of me. That meant so much to me. I cannot wait to get the MP3s from him tomorrow and listen to them and use them at my next race in March.

Also, on Friday, we picked up our race packets, bibs and t-shirts. We got in there and got everything with relative ease. After grabbing all the information, we both realized that neither of us remembered what time the race started and where the start line was. I knew where we would be parking (near the start) but that was it. So, I scoured their website for the information and could not find it anywhere. I searched for the information in one of the pre-race e-mails they sent us and found nothing. Thankfully, on one of the e-mails we had a phone number of someone to call. After calling the number, I found out that our race started at 8 a.m. and we needed to be just a short distance away from the parking garage area for the start.

We ate our pre-race dinner at an amazing little restaurant in Mt. Pleasant. You should totally check this place out if you are feeling Italian. La Pizzeria was delicious. We ordered a fusilli con pollo dish (cream sauce with homemade fusilli noodles, pan-fried pancetta, chicken, and artichokes) and a pizza with black olives, artichokes, mushrooms and sausage. The pizza was okay...a bit pricey and they tend to have their specials as what you would maybe expect at true Italian restaurants. The fusilli dish was delicious...I believe we both could have enjoyed having our own plate rather than sharing!! Yummy :) After pre-race dinner, we headed back to the hotel and started planning out race day and preparing.

We got up about 5:45 on race morning. The plan was to get dressed, grab breakfast and leave the hotel a bit before 7 and get to the start line early. When we woke up, it was about 27 degrees outside with about a 4 mph windchill. Yep, that's chilly. I grabbed our preworkout (1MR) and mixed doses for us both. Then, I got the rest of my gear ready to go. We left the hotel about 7:15 and got to the parking area by 7:30. We finished getting ready by the car, drank our preworkout and headed to the start line. It was soooooo cold out!!!!

It was a confusing start line area. As we were walking up, people were warming up by walking or running in the direction we were coming from. There was no clear delineation that we were in fact near the start line. And it made me a bit nervous. I took a few pictures for Chuck since this was his first ever half-marathon and then we waited for the start. The gun went off and we had the slowest run ever to get started. Once the path cleared up a bit, we were able to do more than walk towards the start line. I crossed over and that might very well be the last time I saw Chuck...he was in the zone!

This race, I really was focused on closing in on my best race time from last February (3:07:12)...that was the race where I tore my labrum in my hip. I wanted to beat my best time. I won't lie, I was hoping to beat that time. I ran Myrtle Beach in October...my first half since surgery and ran it in 3:16:11. So, I was really wanting to improve my time and of course, for me looking for that elusive under 3 hour half-marathon. So, I had a good mindset. There were no doubts about whether I could finish or fears that I wouldn't make it in under 3:30. I was ready.

For the first 6 miles or so, I kept a pretty awesome pace. I was pounding out the miles and focusing. I promised both Chuck and Tripp not to make friends on this race and get sidetracked from my goal. I know that I have that habit and I needed to focus on my race. So, I kept to myself. It was me and my iPod. My playlist was a selection of all female music...it was a Girl Power list :) The mile markers were really well-placed for the first 9 miles or so. Every two miles, there was a water and gatorade station. About mile 4, I drank a gatorade (grape flavored), this was not a wise choice for me. I would later around mile 10 end up having it come back to visit but not puking it. Yuck!

About 2 hours and 20 minutes into the race, I was running perhaps one of my best races ever. I was on par for finishing really close to that 3 hour mark. I was not feeling any pain yet and was keeping a pretty great pace. Round about that time, a police man drove by on a motorcycle announcing that all runners and walkers needed to "get on the sidewalk if you are going to continue or get on the bus as it is passing you." Seriously, the bus was already picking people up and well, I have been in a position where I have known the bus was somewhere behind me and knew that I had to keep moving faster to stay off the bus. But I am now running my best race and I am being passed by the bus. I freaked out. And not just a minor freak out. This broke my concentration. It broke my spirit and definitely broke my pace.

After being passed by the bus, I figured this would be the end of the insults. I was wrong. The bus passing me was the start of it. Then, several of us would determine that they were no longer blocking off streets and the volunteers were now very sparse. There were several streets where myself and other runners had to wait for traffic to pass. I will admit as soon as I saw no cars, I hauled butt across the street and did not wait for the traffic sign to notate that it was safe to cross. I hit about 3 of these situations and got angrier each time. Then, the mile markers became sparse and with few volunteers, I became a bit more frantic. At one point, there were two runners about 15 feet ahead of me and other runners were crossing to the other side of the street but I could not determine why. I kept following the two runners in front of me who eventually crossed the street and then they turned down a side street. By the time I turned down the side street, they had all but disappeared!! I was freaked out. I managed to determine which way they went and followed them as quickly as I could. At this point, I just barely missed being hit by two cars in the neighborhood we were now running through!!

We were also promised bananas and hammer gels at mile 10. There were barely cups of water and gatorade at mile 10 and there certainly were not volunteers handing out cups. I had to grab my own. I guess I should be thankful that I didn't have to pour my own cups! At mile 11, I ended up not watching the road closely enough and stepped into a big pothole and twisted my ankle. Ouch! It wasn't a horrible twist but enough to start giving my left calf real issues when I was running. I started having horrible leg cramps in that calf! I got through the worst of it. I admit it was really difficult for me though when the 10k runners who were finishing up joined the course. They were running past me looking so refreshed and one of them turned to me and said "Come on. You can do this." I barely resisted the urge to be ugly. I was hurting at this point and angry and unfocused, but I soldiered on because they would be handing me my medal!

Mile 12, while the scenery was beautiful while we ran through a Riverfront park, was the longest mile ever...it seemed to wind on and on. Every time I thought I was closer to the finish, there was another twist and turn. Then finally, there was the finish line. I was so ready to cross the line. I did so and grabbed my medal and had my finishers' photo taken.

I found Chuck with somewhat ease. Speedy Gonzales ran the race 2:20:12. He encountered a few issues along the way including losing both headphones during the race and not having any music. He said it was quite difficult to run a race for 2.5 miles counting just your pace and breaths! I am quite thankful my headphones did not break (we bought new 180s headphone earwarmers for the race...great cold weather plan when the earphones aren't defective!) Also, he was unable to find any Gatorade or electrolyte drinks following the race. So, as he waited for me to cross the line, he ended up crashing. He threw up a few times and after I crossed we found a water station with bananas and oranges. Never found any Gatorade. We ended up getting on the bus to head back to the start line and parking garage. We ended up sitting in the back of the short bus (no seats just in the cargo area) and that was interesting. There were 7 of us cramped in the back. The driver asked us to sit down on the floor. At this point, Chuck got a huge calf cramp and my left hip locked completely. A little bit further on the ride, my right hip locked and Chuck started getting really pale and looked like he was about to puke again. Luckily, there was no puking on the bus. But in the parking garage, he spent a good 2 minutes puking.

I got him back to the hotel and threw him in the shower and tried to help him through the crash as best I could. It was horrible. I got cleaned up and nursed him for awhile. Then I grabbed lunch for us about 3 hours after the race (not smart for me!) and both of us had trouble eating. It was a stellar post race.

One would think with all that going on that I would be relieved when I finally got my race results in. It was at least what I had hoped for...a culmination of all my hard effort. No. It was not to be. I wore both my Garmin Forerunner and my iPod Sport for the race. I started the iPod as soon as I started running and I turned the Garmin on a bit late. And I ended up turning off the iPod a bit late. So, nothing I had on me had the correct time. Results finally got posted and Chuck got his official time. I was very excited for him and went to find my results. I searched and searched and searched and found no results for me. I have been angry before when I didn't get a finish line photo but to not have your time recorded is the worst. I knew for a fact that I hit the pad both on starting and finishing. The only thing I could figure was that the night before I had noticed that Chuck's timing chip was at the bottom of his bib and mine was at the top....but could that really have made the difference?

Luckily, I had that phone number I had called the day before about the time of the race and I took a chance that maybe someone might answer. As luck would have it, it was the phone number for the director of the race. He gave me an e-mail address for the timing company and promised they would fix it. And I gave him an earful about the royal screw-ups from the race. I made a point of letting him know that I was not new to this game and this was my 5th half-marathon. I know it's only their 2nd year, but they need to step up their game considerably.

After having the wind completely knocked out of my sails, I finally got my race results today. I ran the race in 3:10:41. This means I shaved 5:30 off of my time from October. And I am only 3:29 off of my best time. I am hopeful that Tripp and I can keep working and shave more of that off before my next half in March.

Ultimately, I am pleased with my results. After all that struggle, I can honestly say I earned the cheap medal and ugly t-shirt. I have felt exhausted and like I have been run over by a bus for the past couple of days. But the worst is over. I will take it easy this week and a little light next week and then back to training for the half in March. I am really hoping to close in on my under 3 hour half.

And just to seal the deal on having 3 half-marathons under my belt by the end of April, I scheduled my next appointment with my tattoo artist today to add 3 more flowers to the ankle tattoo :) Oh yeah...it's on. Columbia in March and Palmetto in April :) I also got a little focusing reminder added today while I was scheduling...my mantra is now on my arm for me to read when training and running..."NO EXCUSES". Oh yeah, bring on the next two half-marathons...I am ready!

6 Half-Marathons in One Year?!?!?!?!

Yep, that's right. I said it and I am going to do it. I am going to put this as my number one goal for the year 2011. I want to run 6 marathons this coming year. I have been working on my running and working with my trainer, Tripp, on improving my muscle endurance and strengthening my core to be an injury-free runner.

I have been told that running 6 half-marathons in one year is crazy. Well, I started out in 2008 running/walking one half-marathon and that was crazy. Then, 2009 brought 3 half-marathons, 2 10ks, 2 5ks and a hip surgery and that was crazier. So I guess I will have to continue on my path of craziness :)

I am realistic about the half-marathons. I do not necessarily want to get a personal record on every one of them. Although if I did, that would be totally awesome to me :) I will be using some of them as training for the next race. I certainly will do my best in each race and reach for my own personal goals. However, I am not going to stress myself to kill myself each race because that would cause me to burn out before I get to the next one. I have learned to pace myself and will be doing that during training and each race.

And for those questioning my sanity, it's not a bad plan. I know of others who have even higher goals set for themselves for the year. I am a very determined person. I am goal-oriented and I love pushing myself towards my goals. Setting this as my goal for the year will cause me to be focused and ready to go. And I am looking at doing a full marathon in 2012 or later so this will be good training grounds for that.

If I had not been sidelined last year by my hip surgery, I think I might have attempted another half. However, hip surgery and recovery brought me quite a bit of difficulty and stress. In fact, at one point, I was unsure whether I wanted to race again or even run again. There was a period of depression and a period where my mental toughness was called in to question.

Now, I am back and I am stronger. I owe this in part to my trainer, Tripp, and in part to two of my friends who I have done races with, Cathy and Chuck. Tripp has changed up my strength training routines to help me strengthen some areas that will help improve my running and most importantly help me to run injury free. He has helped me to feel like my goals are more than achievable and improved my balance and made me excited about training again. Cathy and Chuck have helped me to focus and kept me going when I didn't want to. They both have encouraged me to keep pushing it. Chuck has even worked with me on improving my running form so that I am a better runner. I am so blessed to have them all in my corner!

So mentally, I am ready for race #1 next weekend. Will I get a PR (personal record)? I don't know. What I do know is that I have a strategy and a game plan. I will be getting some MP3s from my awesome trainer to add to my running playlist...those will be a great encouragement on my run! I will be spending the next few days in preparation for the race. I have one last leg day and a strength training session and a light training day with some stretching planned. I will get a little bit more mileage in this week but nothing crazy.

Come next Saturday morning, the race is on!

Myrtle Beach Mini Marathon Race Report

I had a great weekend and enjoyed getting to race with Cathy again. I love starting out with her. I know I cannot keep up with her because she is faster than me but I enjoy starting our race out together! She also gives me that nice kick in the butt I need on race day (literally!)

I have to admit that I started this race out once again stuck in my head. Lately, this has not been a great place to be. I continue to struggle with whether or not I want to keep racing, much less running. I also worry about this repaired hip and when and if it will ever be back to 100%. And for some reason, I keep fixating on whether or not I will be able to finish when a race sets a time limit on it!! Ugh!! So, going into a race with these thoughts churning around is not a great feel. Luckily, I also remember my friend, Ricky's last e-mail about my 10-k and his encouragement and I worked on re-focusing!

Saturday morning, I decided to focus myself on a thought from a good friend...”Shut up and run, woman!” LOL! It was a good focus. The morning was perfect for the run...great temperatures and a great course. I was running with a brace on the left knee and a knee strap on the right knee because I had been fighting a little bit of knee pain. I was a bit concerned since I had not run with either of them on before but I had worn them prior to the race to get used to them.

I was on my own for the first 4 miles...I ran as much as I could and then walked in between and kept a really good pace. I refused to look back to see if there was a shuttle following because I knew there was nothing I wanted behind...my medal was at the end of the race and ahead of me. So, I kept my focus on a couple of ladies who were running a similar pace to mine. The first 4 miles were mental for me again. I struggled with just giving up and accepting defeat around mile 2. Somewhere around mile 3, I remembered that I have everything in me to complete this. I have done my mileage and my long slow distance days. The only thing I needed to do was get out of my head and in to my run. So, I decided to kick my own butt. It was also around that time I saw a shirt that read “Dead Last Finish is better than Did Not Finish” So, I knew that I was in it to finish no matter what.

Around mile 5, I ended up running and walking with the ladies that I was following. Of course, I enjoyed some great conversation and made the miles and the time pass quicker. I started feeling some real pain in my left hip around mile 8...I started walking a bit more at that point but did not slow my pace. I also started to feel some blistering happening on my feet. And of course, I felt the urge to pee early in the race. I decided unless the urge became overwhelming that I would not be making a port-a-potty stop since every time I passed one, there were lines. One of the ladies decided to pick up her pace, so the other lady and I continued our race together. It was a good choice because it was her first half and she was struggling. So, we encouraged each other.

I could have left her around mile 12 but she started to really struggle around then and I wanted to help her cross the finish line. She kept looking backwards, so I re-focused her and then we began pushing each other to the finish line. When I finally saw the finish line in sight, I knew I was home free. I had reserved a little energy for my finish. I wanted to make sure I could run across this finish line! So, I took off and finished it strong. I was sore crossing the line but my knees and my hip were not dead.

There were about 4000 people registered for the race. So, I feel pretty great to be one of the 2699 runners to finish the race!

I learned a lot too. I know that I am not 100% recovered from surgery yet and cannot expect to repeat my best time just yet. But I was thrilled to finish this race in 3:16:11 since I finished Nashville this year in 3:19:25. So, with a repaired labrum in my hip and a lot of hard work, I knocked 3 minutes off my time. I figure there is only a matter of several more months and training and I will be hitting under 3 hours since my best time was in Columbia (February 2010) at 3:07. So, I have a goal in mind and that gets me more focused.

In the next couple of months, I will be working with my friend, Chuck, to improve my form in running. Before I tore my labrum, I was on the track to running better. And now, I am struggling with overcompensating for injuries and I am back to square one. Now that I have a good half under my belt and the confidence to head towards my goal of under 3, I will get some great training in and some refocusing and my next half I will be pushing myself even harder across the line!! And I will be reminding myself yet again, that I am so not done with running or racing.

Overall, I felt that they did a great job with the race. Absolutely no safety concerns while running. The police kept the roads clear and I didn't have to worry about being run over. There was also plenty of water and gatorade on the course (and not red gatorade! LOL!) It was a pretty flat course too. I really enjoyed it and am considering running it again next year. I hate the technical shirt...the design was just dull. The volunteer shirt looked much better. But the medal was huge and really heavy! So, I guess they spent their money on the medal. All in all, I felt it was a great race and will likely do it again.