Life Lessons

I have started quite a few posts lately but for some reason or another, I have not posted anything. Life has been crazy, busy, uncomfortable and odd. For those who do not know, I am no longer working at the nutrition store. It was a difficult decision but ultimately though it is a field that I love and I was very good at my job, the situation did not quite work out like I had hoped it would. Oddly enough, lately I feel like I can say that about a lot of things in my life.

I have had a week and I am really looking forward to the weekend and some rest and a lot of fun. I spent most of the beginning of this week a complete and total train wreck. There was a lot of crying, some self-pity, some self-hatred, and just a whole lot of me being completely broken. I cannot pinpoint exactly what was going on that caused all of it or if everything just hit me at the right point when I was all hormonal to begin with. Either way, it happened and it has not been an easy time, but it got me to thinking about a couple of things.

After spending a couple of days just out of control, I realized what if this season that I am going through is not about me? What if everything I am going through is to in some way or another put me in the right position for someone else who needs me? What if the things I am experiencing are there so I can be there for someone else? Sure, I likely have a lot to learn through all of this, but I found it interesting that certain things have happened that likely would not have happened if the current circumstances were not going on. So, maybe it's not all about me.

However, one thing I have absolutely determined is that right now while everything is out of control, I am going to let it go. That's right...the control freak is going to let it go and just see where it goes from here. I have spent way too much of my life trying to control everything. Deep down I think that habit comes from fear. I think I am afraid of not being in control because I don't know what to expect next. And what is wrong with not knowing everything about everything? Maybe it's the only way for my brain to actually shut off. And maybe it's the only way for me to stop trying to do it all alone. Perhaps one of my worst traits is that I have a hard time asking others for help. I feel like I am burden on others, a pest, like my problems are irrelevant to my friends and family. I don't know why I feel that way but I have been like that for a very long time. I have been told that I could never truly be a damsel in distress...I would never allow a knight in shining armor to come in and save me because I would be like the drowning victim and fight it the entire time. So, maybe now is a time for me to learn that I am not in control and that I do need to ask for help before things become too insane!

So, perhaps this season of my life is here to not only teach me some things about myself and help me to break some bad habits but more importantly, perhaps all the stuff that is going on is really so that I can be available to others. Perhaps the reason behind all of the insanity is that I am helping someone else while I go through this storm. Perhaps I need to be completely broken for a little while so that I can figure out how to put all the pieces back together without the negativity and fear. Perhaps I have a lot to learn about trusting others to be there for me when I need them.

Right now, I am just going to focus on being open to what I need to learn from all of this. I am going to work on being me...minus the stress and negativity that has been overwhelming me. And I am going to stop blaming myself for things that have nothing to do with me. Enough is enough. It's time to let it all go and reclaim what I know is out there for me.